Saturday, March 20, 2010

Total Rant. Sorry.

I have not been so chatty lately. I am ashamed, since I really want my blog to stay current which it totally has not been. It's been a really tough year for me. In fact, before a week ago, I was only making stuff when it was requested of me. I have been totally non-creative...only fulfilling special requests, which never ceased (thanks to my loyal customers!). A little over a week ago, I got into my studio once again and have produced two very new, very rivety pendants which I had an incredibly joyous time producing. I believe I am back in the saddle so to speak. Yay!

My mother, as most of you know, had a very massive stroke last May, and is my child now. I am responsible for her, and that has put a huge ugly damper in my creative life. I feel like my imagination and drive was just pulled out from under me when I was appointed her Health Care Proxy and her Durable Power of Attorney, and my job as both has been very 'hands-on' and frequent. I would not wish this on anyone...I'm just being truthful here.

Mom is not getting better, and it's become harder and harder to deal with it on my end...the sane end. In fact, she is getting progressively worse. She doesn't try. She is stagnant. She is happy in her stagnancy. But she remains bright in other ways. She loves to eat and she loves to gossip. She is only interested in everyone else's business, not her own, which is very difficult to understand if you are an outsider. I do not even have a good click with the social worker at the nursing home because I can't explain my mothers behavior in social worker terms. She is an enigma. She has always had social issues. She has always been more interested in knowing everybody else's business than dealing with her own. This practice is more apparent to me now than ever before. She is paralyzed on her entire right side, but the paralyzation is not what keeps her back. It is the fact that she does not pay attention at all to that side of her body, but she knows everything about everyone in the nursing home. It is frustrating. What makes a person remember something frivolous and not something important? Why does one woman know every little detail about her surroundings, but does not remember the right side of her OWN body?

Scott and I took her and her friend Marion out to the deck today to soak in some sun. It was pleasant. I have learned how to have a nice visit. I do not expect anything from her anymore. I consider her my child now. She is a brilliant toddler.

I am so happy to be back at the bench and making stuff. I just got another order today. I apologize once again for my absence, and I hope to never leave you for this long again. It's so hard to write when there is nothing positive to write about.

Sorry for the rant.


ami said...

Nancy, healing comes under many guises. Sometimes it is the simply the grace to hold up. Many times healing comes in great wisdom for those around the 'sick' person. Who is to say that the function of this part of both of your lives, is to change your life, the lives of your sisters, or even someone you know.

You will look back on this with awareness, and realize the huge learning environment you have been in. A crucible of personal growth.

In my situation, I have discovered more blessings than burdens, and have become at times very very grateful. At others still very burdened, not going to sugar coat that part, but I am a better person from it all.

(hugs) and much love. Call anytime, really!

Holly said...

oh no, Nancy! I am sorry to hear that things aren't where you hoped they would be with your mom.

But i am glad that you are finding your way back to your creativity. I hope it gets back to being an outlet instead of another burden.

Take care. I miss you!

Anonymous said...

Ami has some wonderful thoughts. All I have are hugs...and admiration for you being so strong (yes, you are!)

Love ya...

Amy Olson Ballard said...

Nancy, I appreciate you honesty in this situation- you are strong and are doing the best you can! take care of yourself and know that I am sending supportive thought from afar.

Kerry Hawkins said...

I think it is good to get this stuff out. As you know I have had a tough three years. You need an outlet. I am glad you are back creating. It is good for your soul. Keep on trucking

Kathy Weller said...

Oh my gosh. You are such an eloquent writer and your ability to put your feelings into words is pretty astonishing. Did you know that?

I love you. I'm sorry.